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Monday, November 7, 2011

What to drink while you're reading this letter to Kim Kardashian

I'm embarrassed by how naive I can be sometimes. I have been assuming for years that the Caramel Apple Spice cider at Starbucks is this magic elixir and try to get my hands on it as often as I can as soon as the weather turns cold. Imagine my surprise when the other day my friend pointed out to me it's just hot apple juice. This was confirmed by the barista. Seriously, it's just hot apple juice with caramel and whipped cream on top. Fuck I'm stupid. So heat some up in a saucepan on your stove. Pour it in a mug, and gather 'round.

I promise not to get too preachy about shit, but when something happens in pop culture that I feel compelled to write about, I kinda need to get it off my chest. So I'm going to start these little "fireside chats" with y'all. We will have a different drink each time and snuggle up and have a little rant in the form of a letter. Sound good? Here goes: 

Dear Kim,

First, I should point out that I don't really know anything about you. I don't have cable so I've never seen your show. The only reason I know who you are is because I always see you on the covers of magazines when I'm standing in line at the grocery or drug store. I heard you got married recently, and now you are getting a divorce.

Second, I don't think you need to apologize for getting a divorce. Everyone makes mistakes, no shame in it, just admit it and move on. This letter has nothing to do with your marriage or your divorce or speculation that it was a publicity stunt/cash cow. It has to do with what you said afterwards.

This is what you are quoted as saying:

LOS ANGELES — Kim Kardashian says she never meant to hurt anyone by ending her marriage after just 72 days.

The 31-year-old reality TV star posted a message to her fans on her website Tuesday, one day after filing for divorce from pro basketball player Kris Humphries, whom she married in a lavish ceremony that aired as a two-hour TV special on E!

Kardashian says that while she "married for love" and "would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show," she admits that she "got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show."

"When I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and I didn't want to disappoint a lot of people," she writes.

Kardashian says she takes "full responsibility for my actions and decisions," adding "it just didn't turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for."

"I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon," she says.
Kardashian and Humphries dated for nine months before marrying in August.

She goes on to say that reports that she made millions of dollars off the wedding "are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this." Twitter and Facebook were filled with anti-Kardashian sentiments on Tuesday, including some photos that were reposted thousands of times.

One photo showed the happy wedding couple gazing adoringly at each other above large type that read, "If you think gay marriage cheapens the institution, two words ... Kim Kardashian."

In her post, Kardashian says she plans to "donate the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation."
The couple's $172,000 wedding registry included such items as a $1,650 coffee pot and two $1,250 sterling silver vegetable spoons.

Kardashian does not mention Humphries, who last played for the NBA's New Jersey Nets, in the 370-word message.

Did you notice that you said "fairy tale" and "real life" in the same breath? My friend Mike and I did. Did you say it without thinking, or is this really how you feel?

If it's the former, then no harm, no foul. It took me until I was 25 years old to realize that the squiggly design in front of the "ay" at the Bay was actually a stylized B. We all do stupid stuff.

However, if it's the latter, I have something to say to you. I read that you are 31. I'm 32, so as your elder I'm gonna give you some education:

I think I understand what might be happening here. You might be falling victim to one of the saddest, most dangerous attitudes in our society that takes aim at every woman on the North American continent: your life cannot begin without a man. And the perfect man for you will make your life deliriously happy every single day, because that's what love does. This man will be your prince, he will make your dreams come true, which you couldn't possibly do on your own. NOW that you've met him, your life can start. Now your life is real and worth living. WRONG-O, Kim.

Don't get it twisted: I'm not saying it's not wonderful to have a boyfriend/partner/girlfriend/husband/wife. Relationships are wonderful and if you choose to have one, I wish you the best of luck. I'm saying it doesn't make a life; it simply adds to one, no more, no less. And there are several different ways to add to a life.

We get this kinda shit from Hollywood and Disney and a bunch of other places. Sometimes it comes from our own families. Sometimes it comes from within and we're not sure how it got there. Regardless, this shit must stop. You have said you want a family, so it should be of paramount importance to you that we launch a per-emptive strike against this attitude before our future little girls are born. We need to destroy it systematically, by deconstructing each part one at a time. And in this case, the problems are perfectly quoted by yourself:

1. "the fairy tale I so wanted to be real":

A fairy tale is not real. A fairy tale is exactly that: an unrealistic tale. A story. A fiction. A yarn. NOT real life. Fiction is in our lives for a reason, but the reason is not so we can get it confused with real life. Mmmmmkay?

In fairy tales, love saves the day. It (sometimes literally) saves lives but it above all makes life worth living. Get ready here Kim, because I'm going to say something you won't like (actually, this is Mike's line, but I'm going to borrow it): Love. Is. Not. Going. To. Save. You.

It's just impossible, Kim. Love from something outside of yourself can never, ever be enough to fix a person who doesn't love themselves. If you never do anything else in this world, if you never contribute a single thing, that's okay if you understand that your primary job in this life is one thing: learn how to love yourself. Period, Amen. The alternative is just a fancy, roundabout way of being completely irresponsible. Responsible people are responsible for their whole lives. They don't rely on others to save them. They don't need that. These are people who can fall in love deeply, the real, lasting love that spans decades. Loving yourself means you can truly love others. You can give of yourself because there is lots to give.

When we start to believe that unreal goals, expectations, emotions and situations are real and even achievable (or worse, something we are entitled to), we get into trouble. Real life cannot be a picture, a story, a tv show. Of course things don't work out when we live in a fairy tale because life interferes. Even a life as magnified and extreme as yours still has it's practicalities. Really, we're adults here. No more of this, okay?

You may get married again one day, and you may have the babies you say you want. As I said there is nothing wrong with wanting those things. Those things are wonderful. There is something very wrong with thinking that having them is what will give you a "real life". Which brings me to my next point:

2. "I want a family and babies and a real life"

Real life is getting up early for work and a zit that won't go away and working hard and that great book you're reading and your best friends and putting your child to sleep and cooking dinner and laughing until a little bit of pee comes out. That's real life. Not anything else. Just that. The shit you are living now. Just deal, Kim. A life doesn't magically start when you get something you want. Remember that great John Lennon quote, "life is what happens when you are making other plans"? He said that because he was a genius. Don't let your life go by unappreciated because you were too focused on a future that has no guarantee of ever existing. You have a great life. You're happy and healthy and one of the most beautiful women in the world. Work it out.

I wish you the best of luck Kim, because whether you or I or anyone else likes it or not, you are in the public eye and little girls are going to look up to you. And you have a responsibility to them. It will behoove you to show them a woman who loves herself, as that is what they should be striving for.

J :)

PS What's a vegetable spoon?


  1. yes, what IS a vegetable spoon? LOL
    and my fairytale still has yelling and screaming and dirty socks and dog hair. dirty dishes and times I want to string MY PRINCE up by the tree out front, but I dont because I only have a tree out front and SOME ASS would cut him down! THATS my fairytale! :)

  2. Love. Is. Not. Going. To. Save. You.

    Can I get an "amen" and a t-shirt?

    Self love will, though.

    Thank you for this xo

  3. Love from something outside of yourself can never, ever be enough to fix a person who doesn't love themselves.


    T-shirts comin' up :)

    J xo

  4. dying with laughter at "It took me until I was 25 years old to realize that the squiggly design in front of the "ay" at the Bay was actually a stylized B. We all do stupid stuff."
    because i had the same issue.

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