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Saturday, December 18, 2010

Turkey Tips from Toiv

My friend and co-worker, Carri Ann, is one of those wonderful creatures who leads a life resplendent with quirky thoughts and actions without a trace of self-consciousness. Most of our work day is spent giggling at her frequent outbursts and non-sequitors. To wit: Carri recently bought her first turkey. The partial process is reenacted below in this photo essay (shot entirely in our office, with the assistance of found objects as props).

First, Carri needed the assistance of the staff when she couldn’t locate the “turkey section” in her local supermarket. When she found it (two LARGE bins in the meat section), she needed to call her mom to find out how to convert kilograms to pounds. (She could have done this herself if she had a smartphone, but Carri refuses to purchase a data plan. She has very definite ideas of how to spend her money). When she found her dream turkey, she then found herself on the phone with her mother, who wanted a chat. Carri wanted to humor her mom, seeing as she MADE her call instead of calling long distance herself (“she gets it free, it’s a bundle!!”) but sure as hell didn’t want to lose her turkey, so she stayed on the phone while maintaining constant physical contact with her bird “because there were other vultures swarming the turkey tank”. It looked something like this:

I should mention here there were at least 40 other turkeys available.

When the phone call ended, Carri was able to scoop up her bird and take it to the checkout, along with some sale eggnog (!) that she found en route. It is at this point in the story she dispenses her holiday advice: “put your frozen turkey in a cart or a basket, because it’s cold. Real cold”.

Lines are long this time of year, as everyone knows. Carri's arm and hand became increasingly cold and achy. Carri is also easily irritated. Mornings bother her, as well as being dehydrated, hair that is both curly and straight, and bad customer service. The line she was in was not moving fast enough, PLUS some woman was not filling the gap between customers in a satisfactory fashion:

You can practically see the stink lines coming from her stank-eye.

Lo, gentle reader, heed this warning. Do not end up like Carri this Christmas. For God's sakes, put your frozen turkey in a basket. I think we can all agree, this is a mournful sight:

Learn from her mistakes. Her strange, strange mistakes.


Carri: Herself
Customer #1: Amanda
Customer #2: Christina
The Turkey: My purse
The Eggnog: My water bottle


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